Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's all my fault

Recently I have felt rather at ease with myself, but despite that I occasionally try and pray again in hopes of an answer. Last week I read a talk by Richard G Scott from the latest General Conference. It was about prayer, and how one receives an answer. It wasn't anything I hadn't read before, but nevertheless I decided to take another shot at it. I knelt down in my hotel room ( I was on a business trip) and prayed out loud asking God for some direction, for him to just let me know what he wants me to do (this is what Elder Scott suggested after all). That was 7 days ago. I have been actively waiting for an answer, trying to keep myself in tune with anything that might come. I haven't received any direction.
Two weeks ago at church, my Elders Quorum president came up to me, he is one of the few people at church who know of my situation. He asked me how my testimony was going. I told him it is the same place it has been for about a year. He asked me how I felt, I responded that I have never felt more at peace in my life. He started to laugh a little. Then he told me in so many words that I need to wake up, that I already had an answer and that I am just denying it. I asked him how can he possibly tell me what I have experienced to which I responded "I am not telling you what you have experienced I am telling you that you have an answer." Very confused I asked what he meant. "How many times have you taken the sacrament? How many times have you been to sacrament meeting?, that is your answer." What???? The conversation ended there because I honestly couldn't understand what he was saying, it made no sense at all. I know his intentions were good but I didn't understand his reasoning, since when is partaking of the sacrament an answer to anything? The fact that people blame me for not having an answer, whether it be for assumed unworthiness or being out of touch with the spirit, gets old and frustrating. I am tired of it.

P.S. On a positive note, a friend/ex-BYU-roommate/ex-missionary companion was in town last week. We discussed among many things, my agnosticism. He, still an active latter-day saint, had some great perspectives on faith and answers to prayer. It was refreshing talking to someone who doesn't give you the typical LDS responses.

Online Degrees